[A New Dresser? That Sounds Terrific!]

Tonight there was a dresser on the side of our street, and I’ve been in the want of one, so Amy and I decide to order pizza shuttle and pick the abandoned furniture up on the way back. So we’re on our way after shuttle, and we stop and stick it in the trunk to bring it home (which is right down the street) I have a hatch back so its just kind of hanging out. We get there and Amy gets out to direct me, I’m in the process of backing the car up towards our ally, when I hear this loud yelling. Sounds like someone’s yelling mumbles from across the street, I don’t see anyone so I continue backing up. The yells are getting louder. I was just about to tell Amy to get in the car when this ENORMOUS man comes walking up the sidewalk, talking to himself and headed straight towards Amy. Saying things like “Let me get that motherfucker for you, god bless you,” “I’m a big black mother fucker,” “I’m gonna get this mother fuckin thing,” “God bless you, your good people,” “I love you people.” Amy’s holding her pepper spray that her aunt gave us for Christmas inside of her purse. she also gave us chocolate and flashlights, but since I didn’t have either of those on me, I decide that the best thing to do is to stay in the car and just back into him if he tries to molest us or anything. So the giant is basically tearing the dresser out of the back, pretty much ruining the hatch part of my hatch back, neverminding our persistent pleadings of “no its ok, we really got it,” and “be careful, uh don’t break it.” After about two minutes of excessive motherfucking, and self proclamations, the dresser breaks free and crashes to the ground landing gently on a massive rock. So apparently somewhere in the midst of things we must have offered a prize reward to any monster who could give us a hand with our sword in the stone so to speak. So he’s asking for money now, I see Amy rummaging in her bag clearly pretending to look for spare change, poorly at that. If the ogre hadn’t been preoccupied with insanity I think he might have caught on. Since Amy had done her best and come up short, and he still was not pleased, she then offers him a piece of pizza. This seemed a fair deal to the troll, so we grabbed him the best piece of vegetarian (my side because trolls don’t like pineapple and green peppers.) and sent him on his way. I think we all know the moral of this story. Pizza can save the world.

[Fingers are Expendable]

It’s a Tuesday Night around 10:25, and I’m just getting out of work. It’s a nice night, the airs thick and warm. If I didn’t know any better Id think it was summer. I decide to call Amy and see if she wants to come to the lake. Why I didn’t just wait till I was home to talk to her is beyond me. She answers the phone a little shaky; I didn’t think anything of it at first, but then I hear the wind in the background gurgling the mouth piece.
“Where are you?” I ask.
She laughs slightly “at the emergency room.”
“What! What are you doing there?”
“Oh I got my finger caught in the espresso grinder at work.” She says in a much to comfortably calm tone for someone who just tried to grind off an extremity.
At this thought I nearly gag/blackout/drive off the road/thank myself for never working at a coffee house. She insists it’s not so bad, but horribly painful. She’s been there since around 9:00 and still hasn’t seen anyone. Worried, I meet her at the hospital.
I’ve driven up and down this road hundreds of times, how could I have never noticed a hospital? I see one small sign and follow the road to the left. There’s construction and obstructions blocking my view as I glance back and forth trying to find some sort of emergency room signs, entrances or bloody half dead amputees flocking towards neon lighting. I pass the entrance. Mother fucking one ways, they will be the end of me. Now I’m circling what I assume to be an emergency haven amidst the forest of construction fences and orange tape. It’s a god damn structure Christmas and I can’t get inside. Finally I’m back to the entrance, coming up the narrow driveway I start to notice the complete lack of parking. How can there be no parking at an emergency room? I begin the rigid search of a parking spot when I pass Amy standing outside the doors smoking. She still hasn’t been seen yet? This place is rich. I ultimately end out on the roadside, deciding on the walk uphill to go ahead and bleed to death before ever coming here for any gunshot wounds or would be finger grindings. I meet up with Amy and begin the frigid wait amongst the freaks and creeps that reside in the St. Mary’s hospital emergency room. An hour later deciding that now would be a good time to make a scene. Laughing obnoxiously, we’re starting to get restless. Who can really blame us for yelling things like “have you ever seen someone bleed to death?” and “you’re about to.” It’s an emergency room, I’m sure it wasn’t an absurd question, inappropriate, maybe. Just then a man in his mid twenties bursts through the door holding a boy of similar age in his arms. The boy is unconscious. “Great,” Amy sighs, “Now we have to wait for the nearly dead guy.” Seeing as she’s bleeding to death in a hot prison of diseased weirdos, I decide not to judge her to harshly for this severe lack of consideration. They finally call Svinicki, I’m guessing mostly to get us away from the estranged patients in the lobby before we start a riot, and we’re shuttled into one of those awful rooms that smell like plastic and grandmothers. While the nurse fills out the proper forms I take the opportunity to notice her complete lack of bedside manor. She’s most likely in her late twenties, although it’s hard to tell through the canyons of stress related frown features and harsh age lines. I contemplate shaking her to let the pretty out, thinking that might be the small white room syndrome talking, I decide to do nothing. She leaves us, promising the doctor will be in shortly. I wonder what shortly means in emergency room terms.
About thirty minutes later I’ve stolen a hospital gown(the good fabric kind), a doctors mask, some plastic gloves, a biohazard bag(unused unfortunately) and some cotton swabs, figured out how to turn on the oxygen tank, checked her ears with that ear flashlight jazz, found out how much pain she was having by a diagram scale from one to ten of faces ranging from happy to miserable (she was a severe, it just had a straight mouth) in the time it took them to come in,(while I’m still wearing the gloves, which I decide to play off as my own) clean it and put a fancy bandage on. Driving home I decide how much I hate hospitals, and how badly I can’t wait to go back.